almost time for my procedure

As i move closer to my actual surgery, i find myself thinking about my "last day".  I am not allowed to eat anything tomorrow but i have to drink a lot of water.  I feel like this is my first last day on earth.  What did i decide to do?  Jim and i went to Legal Seafood.  It was good.  I also cooked some good food for Father's Day, ran some errands, answered some emails, talked to a couple of friends and coworkers.  I feel like it is a reenactment of "On The Beach" in which the protagonist finds himself growing nostalgic wondering if it is the last time he would have various experiences or visit with loved ones, before the end of the world. 


While i will see everyone tomorrow as well celebrate Father's Day at my home, I find myself preoccupied with this upcoming event.

Mom is here

I have been blogging lately about my decision to have preventative surgery, based on my mom, Jeanne's struggle with ovarian cancer.  Mom passed away 12 years ago.  Over the years, my father has given me and my siblings keepsakes that belonged to my mom.  Not long after she passed away, he gave me a purple mesh makeup case, with nothing in it but a name take that was imprinted with HELLO MY NAME IS and my mom had written her name underneath, Jeanne. I have kept it, for a dozen or so years, in my kit that I take out every morning when I am getting ready which includes many, many items such as deoderant, toothpaste, tweezers, contact lenses and solution, cuticle scissors, travel sizes of my face wash, shampoo, and on and on.  Once in a while I take out the name tag and just look at it.

On the morning of my pre-admission testing, last Tuesday, I got out the kit, as usual, and at one point it tipped over, into the tub (dry, thank goodness).  What fell out, for the first time ever?  My mom's name tag and a few band-aids.  Pretty amazing to me.  Thanks, Mom.  My husband happened to be in the bathroom at the same time and i picked it up and showed it to him.  He said "your mom wants you to know that she is with you, Mary".  Talk about getting hit over the head with something.  Band-aids at the same time?  Healing?  Need of healing?  I'll take it.

Making a decision

Well, I've decided to have risk lowering surgery. I am 53 years old.  It has been a weird decision to make.  I'm nervous but feel that this is the right thing to do. 

It has also been a strange but affirming decision to put this information out there for the world to read.  As a therapist, our own personal information is second and sometimes invisible to our clients.  I may share more in the days to come, but I am hoping that my information can help others make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions if they are faced with this possibility.

My mother died of ovarian cancer at age 61.  She first developed breast cancer at 56, but was sick at pretty much the onset of menopause with various anxieties and depression, physical symptoms like hot flashes, new allergies, fatigue, irritability, and a host of other symptoms.  She gained weight, got frustrated, and tried to find medical assistance to help her figure out was going on.  She found an allergist who flew under the radar and put her on what amounted to an anorexic diet.  She dropped a lot of weight, but still felt lousy.

She then became bloated and once again went to her doctor to check it out.  She asked for a CA125 test (a simple blood test that determines if there might be the possibility of ovarian cancer) but was told that the test is notoriously unreliable (it is) and did not do it.  Instead, my mom sought out and found treatment using HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which alleviated her symptoms.  However, we now believe, as do many research physicians, that this may have exacerbated or stimulated the growth of cancer cells.

Breast cancer was the first cancer detected when she was 56.  It was treated with a lumpectomy and radiation.  On the heels of that treatment, about 6 months later, the ovarian cancer was discovered.  She fought hard and diligently until she died at age 61. 

I did hospice work for 2 years and found that all of the families of our clients had one thing in common.  When their loved one died, they wanted to share the experience of the dying and death with someone.  I was often the person that they spoke with.  I call it their testimony.

This is my testimony.

I am lucky enough to be able to learn from my Mom's experience.  I feel that this is her legacy to us, her family.  My sisters and I do regular screening.  I feel that surgery, for me, will be the best and least invasive option.  Maybe by the time my younger sisters are faced with a decision, there will be better options available to them.

Power of Prayer

I know this post may not suit everyone, but it is my truth.  I had decided to post about my recent experience with cancer screening (or as i prefer to call it, prevention screening) as my mother passed early, age 61, from ovarian cancer, after struggling with it and with breast cancer before.

I was fortunate enough to meet with a genetic counselor and a doctor in the clinical genetics service of Memorial Sloan Kettering, or as they prefer, MSK.  I was advised to step up my screening and cautioned that breast MRIs sometimes give false positives.  In fact, after meeting with a breast surgeon at MSK, she said that 15% of cases are false negatives.  At that point, I began praying for one of those false negatives.  I got my prayer answered.  After the NJ radiologist said that I needed an MRI biopsy, the MSK doctors disagreed and said that my MRI was perfectly normal and that I need a follow up in 6 months.  Thank you!!

Another crosspost from Deepak Chopra on battling depression

Our friend Deepak Chopra has been posting lately on facebook, and I am enthusiastic to share his thoughts on how to shake loose depression when anti-depression medication is just not enough.  Click through here.  He suggests getting enough sleep, balancing work time, downtime, relationship time, fun time and suggests regular meditation.  He also suggests exploring what is commonly called a limiting belief.  That means if you believe something to be true, like - I don't have the talent to do this, or - I will never have enough money to get out of debt, etc, that you should ask yourself "am I 100% positive that this is true?" and consider the possibility that there might be some wiggle room for change, or for another way of thinking or believing.  Namaste!

Wonderful Crosspost from Deepak Chopra on Solving Problems

Read about how our colleague and teacher Deepak Chopra suggests we identify and solve problems.  

What Price Clarity

I knew that stepping up screening would bring its own set of challenges and information, and especially gray area.  I wish i meant that my mental capacity was increasing, or that my brain was growing in strength or power.  By gray area, I mean that with more information there is more to consider, more to look at, more choices, and less clarity, at least initially.

I have often found, working in the complications of corporate America, working as a therapist in private practice, and, of course, just being a human being, that clarity can be elusive.  In fact, I have become comfortable in the gray area, the not knowing, but the moving forward, at least with more information.  Usually, clarity comes eventually, in a way that is comfortable and definite.  It comes as a knowing.

I have had a season of screenings, which have resulted in the following:  1. clear ovaries, etc (or as Archie Bunker probably would have said, the crotchal area.)  2. Breast MRI found 3 spots, two left, one right that require biopsy (or as they said in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and my daughter Julia reminded, bibopsie).  3. Genetic counselor and MSK doctors recommend taking out those ovaries, etc and checking the tissue. 

This may bring more uncertainty, but I'll deal.