Turn over a new leaf – make friends with yourself!

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Recently, and, actually, quite often, my clients come wanting to improve relationships with others. Good relationships often elude us. With many of us, it is often apparent that the relationship most in need of mending was relationship with self. How do we make friends with ourselves?  Also, why bother?

The Untouchables

There are often people in your life who I call untouchables, meaning people with whom you forgive all and almost always employ understanding.  The upside to this type of behavior is that you already know how to forgive, to let go. Try pretending that you are one of those people. After a while, if something is for your benefit, the result could very well be lasting.   The downside of this behavior is that we sometimes stuff down feelings rather than feeling them, coming to terms with them and then letting go.  You will know which you are doing by your feelings. If you feel good, you have let go.  If you do not feel good, you are probably stuffing.

Let go – it’s a good idea 

Why is letting go a good idea?  Sometimes we are conditioned to want retribution, or understanding, love, compassion or an apology. You might never receive these from some others. They just might not be capable, or, they don't understand that they have wronged you.  More good news - you are capable of understanding, of forgiving and loving yourself. You know how you feel. Practice compassion.  Begin with yourself.

Why Bother?

What happens when we do not let go?  It gets stuck – stuck in our heads, stuck in our hearts and feelings, and ultimately, stuck in our bodies.  By letting go, we allow ourselves to also let go of the feelings and symptoms that result when we hold on.  Our bodies get loud when we hang on by manifesting symptoms that can build up over time.  By letting go we give ourselves a chance to heal.

Just say it - I love myself

Try saying this short phrase: "even though I (whatever is upsetting you about yourself), I completely forgive and unconditionally love myself at this moment in time".   If you want to, you can put your hands over your heart as you say it, or even hug yourself.

The answer is yes

You don't need to sustain the feeling - just say it. At first it may be foreign or feel like a lie, but keep it up every day for 21 days. Many studies say that it takes about three weeks to break a habit and start a new habit.  Maybe it will take you a bit longer, but hang in there.    Won't it be worth it?  Just in case you are not sure, the answer is yes!

Forgiveness

Over the years I have done a lot of work on forgiveness; forgiving myself, forgiving others, learning how to forgive, praying for forgiveness, understanding the difference between forgiveness, acceptance and judgement.

Forgiveness is a concept that many folks I have worked with have struggled with, as I have. It is difficult to let go of a transgression by another by forgiving them. To me, the ultimate concept of forgiveness is letting go of someone else's action (or our own) by not carrying it around anymore. Forgiveness does not mean accepting the actions of another (or ourselves). Acceptance is another blog for another day.

People resist forgiveness like New Yorkers resist Swine Flu on the subway. I will often hear, "How can I forgive this?" -or- "If i forgive them, it will seem like what they did was okay." Let's be clear - it is NOT okay.

First of all, forgiveness is not usually about walking up to the other person and saying; "you hit me, I forgive you" or "its okay" and then expect that they have carte blanche to hit you again. No, forgiveness means that you let go of carrying around the hurt, the pain, the yoke of responsibility for the action of another (or for our own action against ourselves). It is freeing and lets you move on, unencumbered, lighter and in the present moment, not stuck in the torture of a past happening. Remove the lead vest, let go and fly.