Monday, July 6, 2009

Feeling Left Out – Out is a Good Place to Be

Melina, Catie, Julia, Jess and Chris outside of Uncle Wil's Pancake House

I walked into the house, beginning to consider writing a blog. I’m at the shore for a short bit, with my daughters and their friends. After we finished our favorite dinner of wings at Chicken Or The Egg in LBI, NJ, the kids (all in their 20s) decided to take a stroll, pick up some fudge, check out the local amusement park, etc. I drove home alone about a mile to my dad’s beach house, with a bit of time on my hands. On my way home I drove by my sister’s house and noticed flowers that were planted in her planter, that look so nice. (They have renters in right now so she is not there.) I realized that the flowers are the same as the flowers one of my other sisters had planted at my father’s beach bungalow, where I am staying.
As I arrived at my Dad’s empty place, where we all are lucky enought to take turns using his house during the summer, I mused on various topics I might consider writing about. Walking up the stairs to the front door, I was reminded of my brother who has repaired little things and big all around the place, and my brother in law, who is handy too. I thought of my youngest sister who has left her mark in the home too - the hot sauce in the cupboard. I started missing them all. My husband is driving down to meet us tomorrow morning, but for tonight I am left with my own thoughts.
I start thinking about my daughters, the oldest of the cousins. They are must a bit older than the rest of the cousins, and photos pepper the house – some of my girls when they were younger, and some photos of the rest of the cousins, all together. I can see that they are having some good times together. I know it is no one’s fault, but I’m feeling left out – for myself, and for my girls.
I’ve been hearing from my siblings that they have all been down visiting with each other, cousins on the beach together, enjoying the family. When my girls where little my mom was still alive. Mom and my youngest sister Jenn spent a lot of time at the shore, in this house. My next youngest sister Karen would babysit Jenn, and my dad would drive down on the weekends. I was working for my dad and rarely took time off. My girls and I treasured the little bit of time that we could come down to the beach, but it was so different. Now it is quiet. When we did manage to get down to the beach it was often when no one else was visiting. My husband travelled quite a bit so it was rare that he ever came down with us. My sisters had no children at this point so they worked all the time. Now the tables have turned, but they have each other. I’m really happy for them, but I do feel a bit left out. Also, I'm working at the office quite a bit more now.
On the other hand, four precious days to spend with my daughters is a treat I still savor, and from what they tell me, so do they. We have our own traditions and rituals of the summer. That’s enough for me.

1 comment:

  1. Aw. We should talk about this. I think maybe it's a fantasy that we're holding onto. I feel like the hot sauce is the only thing in that house that's mine! (Of course there's a little bee that throws everything else away). I feel like I've really had to let go of that place, one of my favorite places on earth of all time. I'm not really ready to let it go, yet.